Fear

   I'm glad to announce that my work-outs are proceeding well. I'm no where near my target of doing three 5 mile runs a week and my consistency with my diet could be improved. But overall I think I'm doing pretty well, and my distance has steadily increased. However, as my performance gets better and better, I'm experiencing a strange side-effect; fear.

  Every-time I focus, overcome the wall and finally attain a best distance, I go through the following emotions. First is the relief that it's over. Then as I force air down my lungs I look at the digital distance reading with a mild disbelief. When it doesn't change, I feel proud - proud of myself for keeping going, for achieving something small but tangible - quantifiable. Then later, much later, a fear sets in. I know how hard it was to do this distance, and I know that in a day or two I'll have to repeat the performance or better it. I imagine struggling like that again, but with limbs tired from this day's exertion. Then another fear trickles into my psyche; what if I can't maintain this distance? What if the next time I come into the gym and try keep up the same pace my mind and body locks  and I regress? What will that mean?

   These fears dance around in my head, they slow and quiet until they are just in the background - present but not imposing. And only resurface when I have to go back into the gym. Then I get up there and the cycle continues. I don't know if every person experiences this. This is my first time training systematically enough to notice even minute fluctuations in performance. Do any of you ever experience such feelings?